The Letter
by Bravocube
Summary: After nearly dying in a fight with his rival Motonari writes a letter to Motochika about dark events in his past and the emotions he has kept long buried. AU where Motonari somehow lives after Motochika takes revenge in Basara 3. This is not a Chikanari fic, it's more about Motonari feeling lonely and wanting to have a friend instead of an enemy.


Motochika,

I can only imagine the look on your face at the moment. You're probably shocked by the fact that you're even holding a letter with my name on it. Most likely you're thinking, "Didn't I kill you Motonari? How on Earth did you live through that fight?" Honestly, even I don't know that. A small part of me wishes I hadn't. During these last 3 or 4 weeks of healing I've wanted to die. The pain was almost to great for me to bare. Even The Tiger of Kai's injuries didn't hurt me this much. I have to admit, you did quite the number on me.

I've been in hiding ever since you defeated me with Ieyasu about a month or so ago. I didn't want anyone to know I was alive in such a weakened state. Now I am fully healed though so this is a risk I'm willing to take. I don't even know why I'm writing this to you at all. You have been my enemy for as long as I can remember and yet you're the only one I trust enough to hear the things I'm about to say.

After our most recent fight, I was barely able to move. It gave me alot of time to think and even though I didn't want to think of my childhood at all, that was where my mind went. I have spent years trying to bury those memories but they are still as fresh as ever. I remember my own home and my own parents faces as clearly as I would my own. I truly wish I could remember my happier times with them but I can't. Whenever I allow myself to go back to those days all I remember is watching them getting killed right in front of me. The horror in their faces and the sound of them choking on their own blood. The guards made it in time to rescue me but not my parents. My life will never be the same and when I was young I would wake up screaming and crying. Everytime I blinked I would see that image in my head.

I cried alot as a child and a young teenager but the adults around me would always tell me that I shouldn't cry. "I was a damiyo now", they would say. "I couldn't express weaknesses, I was supposed to be a warlord now" They would say. I didn't want to be weak. I wanted so badly to protect the land my parents had left behind. I didn't want to let anybody down. I suppressed all the pain I felt and worked towards becoming a good warlord.

As a teenager I would fight alongside my own solders but I couldn't take that. All that blood and all the death reminded me to much of my parents. I blamed myself for their deaths. How could I allow them to die? At one point I found myself sitting on the floor my mind going back to that night when my parents were killed. I completely froze and felt as though I was reliving that moment again. I don't even remember how I managed to come out of it, but it made me decide to become a tactician and fight from higher places where I wouldn't have to see all that blood. As the years went by I shut myself away from people more and more. To me getting attached was pointless, we were in times of war and still are. There was no point in me growing fond of someone who might just be ripped away from me one day.

There were times where I would kill my own solders as quickly as I possibly could. Even though I couldn't see it from my post, I didn't want them to die a slow agonizing death on the battlefield. So in times where I thought I may not win and knew that my forces would die at someone elses hands, I would kill them. To me that was better then them having to suffer and when I made it to my adult years I became even more closed off to becoming attached to others. I started calling them pawns but deep down I despised myself for it. I buried my self hatred as much as I could but there was still a part of me that cared for others. I hated it.

That part of me became especially strong after I met you. I found myself wanting to get to know you as a person. I didn't allow that curiosity to control me however. I couldn't. I fought you for territory as I always had. I didn't give it a second thought when I tricked you into thinking Ieyasu had killed your men. You were my enemy and that was that. At first I felt slightly guilty but over years of fighting you that guilt had slowly disappeared. I didn't feel anything until you told me that you would forget me, and that the world would as well. It struck me so deeply and emotion that I hadn't felt in so long came rushing out. I lost my focus and was beaten by you and Ieyasu. I was sure that I would die but I woke up back in my quarters. In alot of pain but alive.

That brings me to now. I've spent the last few weeks thinking about what I have done. I can't entirely hide my emotions anymore. It's simply impossible. I hate myself immensely for it. I hate being so weak. I hate giving into emotion and crying over these things. I've suffered with this sadness for so long and I don't know what to do anymore. I want to change my ways, I want to protect my people but I also want to be more then just a warlord. I'm afraid to though. I'm afraid of feeling that pain from when I was young, I'm afraid that I'll soften my heart to much. What should I do? Why would you build so many friendships with the possibility of death separating you from those you care for most. I don't understand it at all.

The most important thing I wanted to say to you however was that I'm sorry. This is not an attempt to manipulate you. I just wanted you to know that I regret what I have done and that I won't be trying to win Shikoku anymore and that I no longer stand to gain anything from attacking you. It's pointless to pour so many resources into it when I can be using them on other things. I will not attack you if you decide to show up but I doubt you will. For all I know you never got this message. A part of me almost hopes you didn't. Perhaps you may have thrown this letter out the moment you saw who it was from. Perhaps it's for the best whatever happens though. I'll let fate take care of it. Even though all we've ever done is argue, you're presence was actually a source of comfort to me. I'm glad I got to know you, even if I only got to know you a little bit.

Thank you and Sincerely,

Mori Motonari

(Hope you guys enjoyed this! I actually just started a RP forum which I put th link to on my profile and if anyone who RP's Motochika is interested and wants to do a continuation of this in some way you can find a starter for it there!


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